Quotable Quotes

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
--Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
--Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
--Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
--Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?
--Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
--Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
--Sam Levenson

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.
--Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.
--H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
--G. K. Chesterton

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet.
--Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong.
--Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
--Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
--Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you.
--Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
--Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
--Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
--Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
--Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
--Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
--H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so.
--Artimus Ward

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