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Misc Quotes 1 The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
-- Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
-- Sheckly Greene
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
-- Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
-- Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
-- Billie Holliday
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"
-- Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it
-- Stephen Leacock
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
-- Ed Bluestone
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
-- Wil Shriner
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
-- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
-- Shelley Berman
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
-- Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
-- Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
-- Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face.
-- Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." Thegirl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Will Rogers
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
-- George Lindsey
Never moon a werewolf.
-- Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
-- George Gobel << previous next >>
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